Dark Days

When I worked at the racetrack, I always looked forward to "dark days" because those were the days that I had off. Practically everyone had those days off, exept the trainers and security ofcourse.

But now, I classify a "dark day" as one of those days where, no matter what mood I'm in, I just can't stop those horrible scenarios from entering my mind as a possible solution to my problems.

Today was another day at the vet with my sweet little Sarah. And, although I would move heaven and earth for her, I am becoming more and more stressed over a rising vet bill that I'm really not sure how I'm going to pay. Sure, she's getting better, and yes, I'm very thankful for that, but thanks will not pay the bill and I'm getting very nervous about where the money is going to come from. Enter the dark thoughts.

I'm looking for a way out, but I know there isn't one. Yet, all day, I have been fantacising about what the world would be like if I wasn't in it, where I could send Sarah before I drop out of the race, and exactly how I would plan such a venture.

It's not unlike sitting in a room with the tv playing a horrible masacre film without actually watching it. I don't have to consciously think about it, it's playing over and over in my mind as I go about the motions of the day. I try to convince myself that nobody would miss me anyway, and I carry on.

But that's just it. I carry on. There are so many people that don't make it when they're in this stage of the game. They manage to slip away, be it silently or with notice, but I remain, unable to take that last step that would see my ashes sprinkled over the Atlantic Ocean.

Sometimes, this mood evokes feelings of cowardess, because I don't carry on with any of my premonitions. But when I look around, especially at my Sarah, I know that I have alot to be grateful for. And then it starts again, the mood darkens by itself and I end up playing a somewhat macabre game of hide and go seek in my mind.

It's not that I'm tired of living. It's just that living makes me very, very tired.

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THINGS THAT I'M GRATEFUL FOR
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-MY PUPPY SARAHJEAN
-MY KITTY YAZOLLA
-MY PHYSICAL HEALTH
-MY FAMILY, AS WARPED AS THAT MAY BE
-MY PLACE TO LIVE
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You ramble on like you've been
on this earth forever
You think you know the secret
of being cool
Serve up another bowl of
inscincerity
How come I'm in love
with such a fool....