I woke at 4:30 a.m. today. Nothing special going on; just woke up really, really early. That's usually a sign that I'm heading for a high.
When I'm high, every idea is perfect. Every project that I have in my head manifests itself into little bits of paper all over my desks with chicken scratch all over them pointing me in multiple directions for hours and hours on end.
It might sound like a blast, but the the damage I can do on a typical high is huge. I can drain bank accounts, tell people off that I never meant to, make plans that couldn't possibly manifest into reality, and drink like nobody, and I mean nobody, ever could.
When I'm high I love to use 420. I tell myself that it fuels my creative juices so I smoke and smoke and smoke. I don't really have any enablers around me, so when I'm out of cash for 420, it's a done deal. But that doesn't stop me from planning and cajoling and dreaming. And then I crash.
When I crash it's usually more about the world hating me than the reality of the situation. Until very recently, I never put two and two together and realized that I was actually damaging my own reality by getting pumped up on booze and 420. To be fair, I don't initiate the mania, it just happens. Just like it happens to millions of others suffering from BP.
It's a funny situation though. Just when I thought I had beat the disease it came back in full force and knocked me on my ass again. I was mania free for almost a full year. I had gone back to work and was doing fine when bam! The shit hit the fan again. I was forced to go back onto private insurance again.
People have alot of preconcieved notions about people who are on long term disability. There's a huge "wink wink, nudge nudge" mentality about your illness, and always some type of remark about whether or not your really sick at all. The problem is, who do you share with and how much do you tell?
Like I said in a previous post, I've lost a huge amount of people due to plain ignorance. And then you get the people who like to judge you by your income, who consider you less than perfect or lazy in your life because you "choose" to be off work rather than be an "earner".
In the process of making my way, I've given up alot of things. But the hardest thing I've ever had to give up is my pride.
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WHY TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY
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-MY EX WAS ACTUALLY THERE FOR ME WHEN HE SHOULD'VE BEEN
-MY FRIEND WAS ACTUALLY THERE FOR ME ""
-MY SWEET SARAH'S HEALTH IS IMPROVING
-I REDISCOVERED SOME RELATIONSHIPS I TORE APART IN PAST MANIAS
-I THINK THAT ABILIFY IS GOING TO WORK FOR ME
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When I think of you all alone I want to cry
I feel like I am guilty of a crime
I know that you are scared
I can hear it in your voice
I can't bare to see it reflected in your eyes
It's not that I don't care
No, that's not true
It's just that I don't know
What to do for you
I'm stunned by real emotion
Pain burns in my heart
I with that I could care for you
Then we would never be apart
It might be one part sympathy
For who I can't say for sure
I just want bad times to go away
And stop knocking at my door.
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