Who Do You Love?

I think one of the worst things about this bastard disorder that I have is the tole it takes on my friends and family.

Quite frankly, I'm never the same person every day, and it seems as though it's getting worse rather that better. My doctors have told me I probably won't be able to return to work, and my finances are a big steamy pile of shit due to my frequent on again off again at my real time job.

I guess I can't expect people to understand. I know I'm pretty intolerant of people who are irritable and blue, so why wouldn't others be the same with me?

Since I've been diagnosed, I have lost literally dozens of people who I thought were friends. Was it all due to my symptoms, or just ignorance? I'd like to think the latter; at least then I'm not guilty of scaring people away.

It doesn't seem to matter how hard I try, people, except a precious few, have ran away from me both when I was symptomatic and asymptomatic. If I've learned anything from people coming and going, it's to be good to myself and try and treat people well, no matter how I might be feeling.

Does it hurt that so many people chose to run away? You're goddamn right it does. But I've learned to like myself first and be dependant on only me, and for me, that's rich.

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THINGS THAT STINK
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-CAT LITTER
-CAT PUKE
-RACCOON POOP
-DEAD SQUIRREL CARCASSES
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THINGS THAT ARE IMPORTANT TO ME
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-CONTINUOUS LEARNING
-FAMILY & FRIENDS
-RELATIONSHIPS
-RESPECT
-ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
-CAREER
-SUCCESS
-TRAVEL

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Tonite I just can't do it
The night is quite insane
It must have been the second needle
I shot into my vein
Tonite I think I'm dying
I am painfully aware
I always thought I wouldn't give a fuck
Tonite I'm really scared
Tonite is flying past me
Growing smaller all the time
An electric buzz is at my back
A throbbing in my head
Tonite I know it's over
As the vomit rushes up
Dying, squirming on the floor
Thank God I hacked it up
Tonite I almost killed
Myself sticking needles in my veins
Crack it up to memory loss
When I do it all again....